"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

I have been thinking about these words all day today. I've been feeling a little down lately. It might be my hormones, but I just haven't felt like myself at all. I'm still coughing and trying to get over this bronchitis too, so that is just adding to my feeling of weirdness. 


I go through these stages of hating my job. It's usually when something happens at work that makes me realize (or rather makes me remember) that I'm not using my degree. Not only am I not using my degree, I'm not even doing anything that is remotely related to what I want to do with my life. That is what has had me in a funk the past few days. I've been looking for a job in the art field, but nothing is paid. I am applying for yet another internship, and I'm planning on volunteering in the spring, but these things do not pay bills. When I get myself worked up thinking about this, I remember that Kevin is going to grad school in the fall and will be in school for the next 3 years. That makes me freak out even more. What am I going to do? I can't keep making coffee for that long!


This time around, I have not only been worked up about these same old issues, but I've also started thinking... what DO I want to do with my life? Do I really want to go to grad school in 3 years? That means I'll be 30 when I graduate! So then what are my other options? Do I even want to work in the art field anymore? My head is spinning with these questions to myself. 


That brings me to the Lao Tzu quote "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." I spent the afternoon spread out on a blanket in the sun pondering these words. I'm still not completely sure how they relate to my situation. I came up with more questions to myself. What am I? How do I define myself? What are the things that make me me? Why am I so attached to these things? I know the answers and I know that no matter how much I think art defines me, it is not me. It is part of my ego. (My psych husband would enjoy this conversation.) For the sake of not getting too deep on the internet, the ego is what "separates" you, it is what makes you feel individual. I could go deeper and explain what I think this means in the bigger picture, but I'll spare you. 


When applying this to my current issue, I think "letting go of what I am" means letting go of my artist ego. Then I can "become what I might be", simply meaning that my options are wide open. Just because I have a degree in art, doesn't necessarily mean that I have to work in the art field. I mean, I know that I will always create art, but as far as a career in art goes, it may not be for me. Coming to this realization is slowly helping me get out of this funk, get off my butt, and do something about my situation.


Thanks for reading my thoughts and feelings. :)